Halfway There
by CheekyBrunette
Summary: Most people assume the song is about the road to fame.  This is the story about what it's really about; the path to getting over a traumatic childhood with the help of some great friends.  Rating for angst and abuse.
1. Prologue

**HOWDEEDOODEEDERE! (That's Dragonese for "hello")**

**Okay, so I know a lot of you are going to yell at me for starting yet ANOTHER multi-chapter when I'm no where near finishing any of my other three *wince* but I'm too excited to wait for this one! Okay, so, in case you didn't read, this is the PROLOGUE and thus, just a little background history on how we got to where we'll be in the ACTUAL first chapter. **

**Yup. So have fun...**

_Logan fell against the wall, sinking to the floor and cowering under his father's massive frame. Tears stained his pale, hallow cheeks. He held his thin arms above his head feebly, his best defense against the onslaught of punches plaguing him, cut, bleeding skin clinging to bone. His dark blue and black knees were pulled up close to his che__st._

_"P-please," he begged, his voice small in the cruel darkness enclosing him. "Please, daddy, let me go!" His body quaked painfully, shuddering against the drywall. He was just so scared. He braced himself for contact, sending a silent prayer up above for the knife not to cut too deep. His eyes shot open as the searing blade broke skin._

_Logan couldn't help but let out a scream-_

"GAH!" Logan woke up, clutching his throbbing heart. His pulse beat wildly in his temples as he looked around the room, ragged breaths slowing as he took in the sight of his friend's sleeping faces. His brain spun back into reality as he took in his surroundings, determining he was safe in 2J with his evil dad no where to be found. He turned on his side, entangling himself further into his already knotted sheets. There was no chance of him getting back to sleep tonight, but that wasn't unusual. The nightmares were sort of expected by now. The red glare of the alarm clock taunted him, reading '3:47'.

He felt the hair on his neck stiffen as he sensed someone watching him. He looked across the room at Carlos, the Latino's eyes bright in the dark bedroom. They both had bottom bunks, mostly because they were short enough to sit up in them without knocking their heads, but also because they didn't trust Carlos to sleep up high without falling. The kid was active, even in his sleep.

"Logie, are you okay?" he asked, tired voice creaking. Logan's mind went on a whirl as he mentally prepared himself for the dangerous topic to come. He cleared his throat in the pitch black of the room, all to aware of Carlos's stare.

"It was just a nightmare, Carlos," Logan answered, taking care to not say what it was about. "Go back to sleep." There was a loud rumpling noise overhead, and suddenly James's head popped down from the top bunk. He always had been a light sleeper.

"Yeah, but, Loges, you always have nightmares, ever since we were little and even now!" Logan opened his mouth to protest, just like he always did, and shift the focus off of himself, but James wouldn't have it. "And don't you say anything else because all your tossing and turning keeps me up at night, so would you just talk to us about it so I can go to bed without waking up six times in the middle of the night?" He sounded sort of frustrated and looked completely exhausted. "The sooner you can sleep, the sooner I can." Logan bit his lower lip.

"Guys, it's fine. Just relax, they're not even that scary," he said, 'fessing up to the nightmares but lying about everything else. His two awake friends gave him skeptical looks. Thank goodness Kendall was a heavy sleeper, or he would have been found out long before now.

"Is it homesickness?" Carlos asked, pressing. Logan felt his heart speed up at the what seemed like eminent threat of being discovered. He shifted awkwardly under his covers, scratching the back of his neck.

"No," he answered, his stomach flipping. Logan felt horribly queasy. James arched an eyebrow at him, rubbing his bleary eyes and letting out a puff of air, heavy in thought. The look on his face said it was definitely too early in the morning for all this thinking, but it was also concerned.

"Um... is it with Camille?" Logan tried to shake of a bitter smile at the thought of his nightmares being caused by something as simple as girl troubles. He shook his head, ignoring the look of disappointment on James's face as he realized he had been wrong.

"Is Gustavo pressuring you too much?" Carlos questioned, a tinge of worry in his voice. Logan shook his head, face paling at just the name of the fleshy, intimidating man. James noticed and gulped.

"Am _I _pressuring you too much?" he asked, misinterpreting completely.

"No!" Logan exclaimed, shaking his head violently. The last thing he wanted was for James to think it was his fault. After all, _he_ was the one to cause all this, not his friends. "This doesn't have anything to do with you guys, okay?" He gave his friends pleading looks in desperation for them to let the conversation drop and just go back to sleep. There was a pause.

Carlos rolled out of bed, walking over to the light switch and flicking it on. He came over to Logan's bunk and sat on the edge, bringing his face within inches of his own. The Latino's eyes bore into him, searching. "Logan," he started, and the taller boy's heart almost stopped at the seriousness of his tone, one so unnatural on Carlos. "Does this have anything to do with your back?" he asked, and Logan gagged.

"W-w-what do you mean?" he stammered, praying Carlos didn't know what he thought he did. After all, he had been so careful. He didn't go swimming, he always changed in the bathroom, he had _never_ taken a group shower-

"I mean all the lines back there. Your scars?"

Logan honestly couldn't breathe. It felt like the whole world had just punched him in the gut to knock the wind out of him. Th only thought capable of running though his head was '_how did he know?'_. His brain beat in time to his rapid pulse, his skull on the verge of bursting. He tried to shake off the look of a frightened animal and answer, but his mouth could only gape open and closed like a fish.

Carlos's eyes flashed with fear at the reaction he had caused in his friend. "It's okay, Logan," he tried to comfort, but then started sobbing. "I'm sorry, we were ten and it was just an accident!" Tears streamed down his cheeks. "I'm so, so sorry, I wasn't supposed to know, but I'm worried, and you just seem so scared all the time! I just wanted to help!"

Logan could barely take in what was being said, much less what was going on. Luckily, James noticed Kendall stirring in his sleep. He quickly hopped down from his top bunk, ushering the two shorter boys into the living room. Logan could hardly feel his comforting hand on his back as James stuck him down at the orange couch. He felt completely numb.

Meanwhile, Carlos was turning into a puddle of tears. "I just... I was just messing around and wanted to know why you never changed in the locker room. I didn't think it would be something so bad!" he wailed in apology. Logan listened, the horror mounting. He stole a look at James, who seemed lost. Carlos continued, "Your back was turned, you didn't see, but I did, and," he shuddered," they were _everywhere_!" Sobs wracked the Latino's shoulders.

"Carlos, stop it!" Logan croaked in an attempt to cu him off. He watched James from the corner of his eye as the boy band's heart throb wavered, trying to decide who to comfort. Carlos couldn't stop, and kept babbling through his tears.

'I just ran away, I didn't tell anyone, Logan, I promise, but I really wanted to! It was was so scary, and I just kept thinking about it and thinking about it, and I couldn't stop!"

"Carlos, SHUT UP" Logan shreiked, holding his hands over his ears to block out the sound of his voice, distressed that Carlos wasn't holding back. He rocked himself back and forth, biting his tongue hard as he literally bit back screams.

"There were so many, Logie! Please tell my you're okay, i've been wondering for six years if you were okay!" Then, an eerie silence coated 2J, broken only by the occasional sniff from Carlos. James caught Logan's eye and shattered the quiet.

"What is he talking about, Logan?" he asked, taking up a determined tone. Logan just shook his head, jaw tensed. That's when James grabbed his shoulders and shook him, lost in his need to know what was going on. "What. Is. He. TALKING ABOUT!" Logan just stared mutely back at him until James whipped him around. The tall, tan boy pulled up his shirt and gasped in horror.

* * *

><p>So that's how the boys got to where they are. One traumatized, two practically shedding their hair in worry, and the one meant to keep them all together completely in the dark. Needless to say, things were bad. It was almost a wonder how things could possibly get any worse.<p>

Of course, knowing the boys, they did.

**This song makes me think of "Come So Far (Got So Far To Go)" from Hairspray. "ITS SO CLEAR, EVERY YEAR WE GET STRONGER! SO DON'T GIVE UP, DON'T GIVE IN AND JUST GET BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN!" **

**So I'm pretty ecsatic for where this is going... I wasn't originally going to have Kendall not know, but I like it this way. It's gonna result in more suffering all around. YAY!**

**"I KNOW WE COME SO FAR, BUT WE GOT SO FAR TO GO! I KNOW THE ROAD SEEMS LONG BUT IT WON'T BE LONG 'TIL IT'S TIME TO GO, SO MOST NIGHTS WE'LL TAKE IT FAST, BUT SOMETIMES WE'LL TAKE IT SLOW! I KNOW THE ROAD SEEMS LONG, BUT, BABY, BABY, WE GOT SO FAR TO GO!"**


	2. Chapter 2

**M-kay guys! I'm sorry for the lackage of updating on this... normally I feel like a loser when I have just one chapter posted for something that isn't a one shot. But I actually pulled a Stevenie Meyer (I know, I feel so dirty) and wrote the middle off of one request idea and then the end, but have NO plans for the beginning. It's... awkward. But that's okay! I just wasn't sure of my transitions and stuff, but now it's chill.**

**I'M ON THE EDGE, THE EDGE, THE EDGE, THE EDGE, THE EDGE, THE EDGE, THE EDGE! I'M ON THE EDGE OF GLORY! AND I'M HANGING ON A MOMENT WITH YOU!**

_Two Weeks Earlier:_

_Luckily, it was Logan who answered the phone when it rang. He paled when the man on the other line introduced himself as the MNPD. Knowing his friends were just in the other room, he turned around, breathing deeply to try and control himself. After all, just because they were calling, it didn't mean anything bad had happened. He twirled the phone's cord clumsily in his fingers. Logan couldn't help but tremble when the officer told him to hold for their head detective. _

_"Logie?" Carlos called from the orange sofa, sensing Logan's fear. He was always really good at reading others, even when he wasn't facing them. It was like his instincts just knew when something was wrong, and it made it really hard for Logan to hide things. He reluctantly turned to face him, offering a shaky smile. Apparently, practice really does pay off because Carlos bought it and went back to his video games. Logan sighed, breath hitching when the other line finally picked up and the detective he had been waiting for spoke into the phone gently. _

_Logan bit back a gasp._

* * *

><p>It was unsurprisingly Carlos to be the first to notice. The Latino was more observent than most people gave him credit for and was incredibly good at picking out people's emotions. James was next, but only because he was looking for it. Ever since it all went down, the heart throb was constantly examining him for signs of distress. It was almost a little overbearing. Last was Kendall. He practically considered the guys <em>his<em>, so when Logan started acting weird, despite not knowing as much as the other guys, he honed in on it.

Kendall arched an eyebrow over at the pale boy, who was singing across from him in the studio with a stressed, albeit familiar, expression plastered on his face. He was twiddling his fingers together, clearly too focused on keeping his tight voice from cracking to notice Kendall's concerend look. The blond was really worried about Logan. He was used to him being panicky and nervous, but this was different. There was a fear in his eyes that was never there before, and every time he looked over at him, there was more of it. It felt like Logan was unraveling before his eyes, and he didn't know what he could do to stop it.

Just because Kendall didn't notice first, it didn't mean he hadn't been seeing all that was going on with Logan. He had seen the worried looks over the shoulder and the way his smile dropped when he thought no one was looking. He heard the way he tossed and turned in his sleep and took shaky breaths to calm himself. In fact, Kendall had even felt the way he shook slightly on the couch next to him through last week's movie night. Yup, Kendall had seen everything. Well, everything but what had started it. It had been going on for at least a solid week and a half, and the blonde couldn't be angrier at himself for letting it last this long without confronting him about it. He knew it had to happen soon.

Their song ended, and Gustavo's leaned over his microphone, pressing the button. "Smallish Monkey-dog," he barked, sounding awkward and uncomfortable. Logan winced, knowing it was him being targeted. "What's wrong with you?" So even Gustavo had notied. Logan shrugged in response, but his eyes looked terrified. Kendall couldn't take it anymore. He roughly grabbed the back of Logan's collar and dragged him out the door, plopping him down on the couch outside Gustavo's office.

"Alright, what's going on?" he asked in a manly, straight to the point way. Logan looked at him timidly and opened his mouth as if to say something, but his focus shifted to something behind him. Kendall turned around to face James as Carlos leaped onto Logan and ull him into a hug. Kendall offered him a smile, but James only glared back. He furrowed his big, bushy eyebrows together as James moved around him, purposefully knocking into him with his shoulder. He took a seat on the empty side of Logan and put a possessive yet comforting hand on his forearm. At first, Kendall was lost, but when he was vicimized by another withering stare, it dawned on him.

James was being protective.

In fact, was almost ridiculously obvious. The way the tan boy was acting so nurturing towards Logan, yet so hostile toward him made it all too clear. The only thing lost on him was why. What was he missing? Or, more importantly, what did he do?

Anger started to boil in the pit of his stomach as James and Logan locked eyes, understanding clicking between them. He could feel his blood course through his veins, white hot with rage as Carlos 'oh'ed in comprehension as he and James shared a look. They had secrets from him, and that was unacceptable. Jealousy blinded him.

Kendall grabbed the front of Logan's shirt, twisting it with a strong fist. He tugged him out of his seat with a hard yank and glared down on him. Fury filled him straight to the core as he pushed as much venom as he could into his words. "What are you keeping from me?" he practically growled, accusation plain in his tone. He grew angrier as Logan gaped, looking absolutely terrified but not giving him an answer. He shook him up. "Answer me!"

Kendall didn't know it, he couldn't have, but that broke something inLogan. The blonde had him in his clutches, but he had sent him faraway, and it was anyone's guess when he was coming back, or where he had went for that matter.

Kendall released Logan at the sight of tears rolling down his cheeks. He dropped to the floor and gripped onto his leg immediately, chest heaving. "_Please,"_ he begged. "_Please_, _don't leave me down here!"_ he sobbed, sounding far away, but absolutely desperate at the same time. His face contorted into an expression of agony, and after looking down at him, Kendall had seen Logan more scared then he had ever wanted to in his entire life.

The blonde was completely confused. What had he done to get Logan to act like this? What even was he talking about? He looked quickly to James and Carlos, whose expressions reflected what he expected his own to be: worried and disoriented. He turned back to Logan to rub his back, but the boy flinched at the tough, letting out a shriek of pain that pierced all three boy's ears. Kendall pulled away, temples thumping against his brain. What was going on? Logan buried his face into his pant leg, soaking it through.

"_It's nothing!"_ he wailed, a non-existent hope coating his every word. "_They're nothing, I swear! They just wanted to play, not turn you in! It'll never happen again, just please don't leave me down here!"_ he hiccuped, voice small in the panicked tension of the room. "_I promise! I promise, just don't leave me down here in the dark!"_ Kendall had no idea what to do.

"Logan, it's not dark," he told him, trying to stay calm. It was scary how crazy Logan was talking. It was like he didn't even know who he was anymore, and it was terrifying. "It's light in here, and I won't leave you, I promise. Gustavo isn't even going to let us stay here when it gets dark anyway, cause he'll want us to go home. Besides, you didn't do anything anyway!" he tried. Logan shuddered against his leg, face sopping with salty tears. Kendall was starting to get a little too worried. He turned to the other half of Big Time Rush, "James, do you have your phone?" The boy nodded. "Okay, can you or Carlos call 911?" he asked, when Logan interrupted.

"No, it's fine, I'm fine," he said, not sounding fine at all. Kendall quickly looked down at him and saw the sanity in his eyes, waving at James and Carlos to stop what they were doing. He bent down and picked Logan up, sitting in a chair and pulling his crying body into his lap and holding him close. Logan stayed for a couple minutes, but then pushed him away. Before Kendall could pull him back, he ran off, leaving his friends lost and confused behind him.

Things were getting complicated.

**Okay, so apparently the theme for this is to have some past part or dream at the beginning of every chapter. Humf. But I sort of like it to start out like that. Fun.**

**I don't really know how much I like that, but I didn't really want to write it, so this is what you get. I haven't had any desire to write lately. Harumf.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Guys, I'm going to get serious for a second:**

**Thank you all SO MUCH for all the birthday messages and stories and updates and A/Ns that you all did, like, honestly, I'm so flattered I could die. You have NO idea how happy you guys made me. It was insane. Like, I'd be all psyched at each of your things individually AND as a whole with everyone else and I'd be all *flaps arms in weird pengin-ish manner*"EEEEP! I LOVE THE WORLD!" **

**So thank you SO HARD for everything, you made my LIFE! Like, I'm pretty sure next time something goes really horrible I'm just gonna be all "pssh, FF is my life anyway" which is sort of sad, but also really AWESOME! Okay, I'm going to calm down and actually write this story now...**

_Logan felt the panic rising in him as Kendall held him close, his arms so close to discovering his dirty little secret, painstakingly written out in red on his back. Always so close... just a t-shirt separating the world from everything that shaped him, what he had grown up with, what he had kept hidden. Kendall was going to find out, he was going to. The blonde's breath ran down his neck, and Logan started to hyperventilate. He couldn't know, not even James and Carlos had been supposed to know. It was too suffocating and memory inducing with just two; he wouldn't be able to handle three._

_Logan pushed away from Kendall, breaking free from his grip. The taller boy's hand caught on his forearm, but that didn't slow Logan. When he ran, there was no stopping him. There was a difference in running for Logan and other people. See, when most people burst into a sprint, they were going somewhere, blind and focused on their destination. When Logan went off, he wasn't running to, he was running away. And sometimes,_

_Running away was the difference between life or death._

* * *

><p>Kendall Knight stood up, frozen as he watched Logan sprint out of the studio. James sent him a menacing glare that reinforced the glue keeping Kendall from taking off after him. James didn't take his eyes after him as he started off to help <em>his<em>, apparently, friend. Carlos shifted awkwardly in his big, clunky sneakers next to him. He bit his lip, "He means well, you know..." he said uncomfortably, shaking Kendall out of his fog. He looked over to him with an arched eyebrow.

"What?" he asked, and his eyes widened, "Oh, I'm not angry, I'm just... confused," he said dumbly, and Carlos nodded in understanding next to him. Of course, sympathy was nowhere _near_ as helpful as answers would be right about now. Kendall itched his elbow, deciding against using the more abrupt way of trying to dig up answers he had used on Logan in case Carlos was housing something bad too. Instead, he just looked at the floor and asked, "Can you tell me anything cause I didn't... I didn't know he would... do that," he finished quietly. Carlos shuddered.

"Neither did I," he whispered, nearly inaudible. Kendall's mind swirled around, trying to dig up explanations for what was going on, but he didn't know anything. He looked at Carlos, and saw the Latino jump a little in surprise as he caught his stare and saw the desperation in his eyes.

"Please, Carlos, I _need_ to know what's going on. You _have_ to tell me, I- I need to _fix_ this, and I can if you'd just tell me everything," he begged. This wasn't supposed to be happening. None of it. It was just going to be like every time Logan got all worked up. He would ask what was wrong, Logan would spill and maybe cry a little, Kendall would comfort him and make it better. That's how it always went, and it was completely and utterly terrifying how it didn't. "I want to make it alright," he said, sounding a bit broken even to himself. The Latino shook his head and started to cry.

"I can't." His voice was tight and cracking. "I already messed it up once, I can't do it again," he tried to explain, an unfamiliar look of fear etched into his expression. Kendall didn't know what to do. How could he help if his friend refused to tell him what was going on? He was the leader! _He_ was the one supposed to know everything, not anyone else. It was driving him crazy that they were blocking him out like this. On top of all the other negative things he was feeling, he really didn't really count on exclusion. He sighed.

"Why not, Carlos?" he groaned, exasperated. "What did I do?" Carlos sniffled, turning his head away from the words he was pelting him with. His face looked pained.

"Cause last time I did, James found out, and he wasn't supposed to know either.

* * *

><p>James chased Logan in a sprint, knowing if he didn't catch him in the elevator, he wasn't going to catch him at all. He managed to slip his hand through the two doors just as they were closing. They opened for him, and Logan looked up at him in fear for a split second before James wrapped him up in a tight hug. Logan stood tense in his arms before curling around him and burying his face into the crook of his neck, crying harder than deemed humanly possible. James just held him back, pulling him close while pounding the emergency stop button on the control panel.<p>

"Why did you run?" he asked bluntly after Logan had calmed down considerably. James could be a lot of things, but you could always count on him as a caring person. The look on his face just proved to say he was willing to show Kendall how much he 'cared' right about now. Logan couldn't help but snort at his determined face, but sadness swept over him before he had a chance to be snarky.

"Cause I don't want him to know," he said dryly. Logan could also be a lot of things, but that didn't mean he didn't wish the floor would swallow him up. James gave him a hard look as things clicked in his brain. He had know officially _everything_ about Logan for a few months now, and he knew how stressed he was. He could practically feel gray hairs growing, despite it not being something he wanted to think about. James loved Logan, but he knew that he couldn't handle him like Kendall could.

"I think he should." Logan looked at him in confusion. After all, even through his scared eyes he could see how coldly James was acting towards Kendall. James sighed. "I think he could help you-"

"No," Logan cut him off, lifting a hand to stop him, "James, no." At the sight of his confused expression, Logan continued as the two slipped down to sit on the floor of the elevator. He leaned into him, head resting on the taller boy's shoulder. "It's-" his voice cracked, "It's a lot to have you and Carlos know... it's like," he gulped, unable to keep the tremble out of his voice, "it's like you're walking on eggshells around me, and that's okay, but... It's like a constant reminder. It's like you're saying, "since you're hurt, I'll be careful", which is right but..." he trailed off, unable to find words. "There's just the 'you're hurt' part to it. I'm always hurt, I'm always broken, and I just... I hate it. I don't want anyone else to know, and I don't want anyone else to see cause once they do, I can tell they do."

"You need him." James spout out, and Logan opened his eyes wide.

"I-I went for _years_ without him, or anybody," he countered back, an unnatural stillness creeping over him.

"You needed him then, too."

**Guys, I think I just GAVE Roque Studio's an elevator... for all intents and purposes, let's pretend that it goes to a parking garage underneath where the BTRMobile is being kept cause, I mean, where else could it go? Awesome.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Haha, UPDATE NUMBER TWO! Watch me speed through this like a boss...**

**Have you ever heard of that show "Bubble Guppies"? Okay, whenever I babysit, that's the show I always make the little kids watch. It's SO cute! But the songs can annoy me if I'm in another room... gah. I also make them watch "Backyardigans" because that's the stinking cutest show ever. Like, I know all the word to "Go, go, go!" and "Laser Limbo" because they're adorable. I mean, I'm not a looser who watches this kind of thing just for fun (they may be cute, but they're too annoying for that) but they're so cute for little kids! Especially when they try to dance to it...**

_Logan tucked himself into James's arm as they made their way back to Kendall, the two near tripping over each other they were so close, trying to fight off the memories overtaking his system. He scrunched his eyes closed in a weak attempt to block them out, but, just like always, that didn't work and they gained control. _

_It was always so vivid, like everyone of those godforsaken scar on his back was being ripped open and left to bleed. His jaw chattered as that oh-too-familiar feeling of fear took control of him yet again. Breathing became a struggle, and he took ragged gulps of air in attempt to calm down. He knew this is what got him caught in this situation in the first place, and refused to let himself cave into his panic yet again. _

_His breath hitched in his throat as he rounded the corner and saw Kendall's blonde head on the couch._

* * *

><p>James and Logan walked in on Kendall with his arm around Carlos and talking with an arm around Carlos and talking with an annoyed looking Gustavo and Kelly. Their irritated faces vanished as they caught a glimpse of Logan's tear stained cheeks. James gave them a hard look and the two scurried off, probably to rearrange their schedule to work around the guys now apparent day off. Logan just kept his head down, embarrassed to be causing such a disturbance.<p>

Carlos, who had already been feeling extremely emotional, just about fell to pieces when he saw Logan. "I did-didn-n't t-tell, L-logie," he hiccuped, snotting all over himself. "I did o-okay this t-time, r-r-right?" he asked, and Logan offered him a weary smile, exhaustion overtaking his features. He huddled in closer to James, letting his touch strengthen him.

"Yeah, you did, Carlos," Logan said, voice strained and quiet, "but you did okay last time, too." Carlos shook his head violently, obviously disagreeing with him, but Logan bent down and rested a hand on his knee, eyes filling the Latino, ignoring his own problems to take care of Carlos's. His friends would call that, 'pulling a Logan'. He would call it, 'being a friend'. "Yes. You did," he said firmly , and Carlos practically jumped onto Logan and clung to him, the pale boy clearly in no place to take care of anyone, but he held Carlos back regardless. His fingers laced through his thick hair, gripping the shorter boy close against him.

Kendall couldn't stand all this not knowing. He felt weak and powerless, two things Kendall Knight was _not_ accustomed to feeling. So, naturally, one could imagine Kendall's joy, and apprehension, as James of all people gave Logan a slight nudge in his direction. Kendall sat up a little straighter, ears ready, but he deflated when Logan turned away from him.

"I can't do this," he said to James, the taller teen taking a disciplinary stance and opening his mouth to say something, but Logan raised a hand to cut him off. "James," he said, his crestfallen tone shocking Kendall. "I mean I _really_ can't do this. I can't... _remember_ this, okay? I can't-" he broke off into a sob, leaving Kendall even more confused than he was in the beginning.

Logan kept his head bowed, hair hiding his eyes and fists balled at his sides. Carlos eyed him warily, and Kendall could practically _see_ the nervous energy bubbling inside the boy. The Latino chewed on his bottom lip, and blurted out before he could stop himself, "Logan, what's happening with you?" The pale boy's head whipped up, his eyes unsurprisingly rimmed with red. the slight tremble of his jaw proved he was on the verge of collapsing into tears. He pressed his lips together.

"Nothing," he answered slowly, and James scoffed.

"You can _NOT_ be telling us that you're little _panic attack_ there was nothing!" Logan went white as a sheet, and James raised an eyebrow questioningly, a guilty look inhabiting the rest of his face. "Logan... I was just exaggerating, but was that really a..." he fell of the phrase, not sure if he really wanted to know the answer, "a... panic attack?" Logan's face said it all. Very suddenly, James had him wrapped in a hug, a reoccurring theme lately.

"How many?" Carlos squeaked from beside them, shifting awkwardly by their side. When Logan didn't answer right away, also a reoccurring theme, Carlos grabbed his shoulder and whirled him around to face him. "How many times?" he yelped, and Logan looked to his toes. Carlos was getting so sick of waiting for answers. He was just so worried all the time, and it was tearing him apart. He just wanted Logan o be safe like he used to pretend he was. He was tired of being scared.

"Like, four?" he answered uncertainly. Kendall's eyebrows nearly shot off his face.

"Including this one?" Logan shook his head, and Kendall practically growled. He was so angry with himself for letting this build so much without him even noticing it a little bit. Exasperation dug at him a little bit. "Would someone _please_ tell me what's going on?" he asked, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice. Logan took a shaky breath.

"Yes," he answered, but Kendall felt a contradiction coming. "But James has to tell you."

Yup, there it is.

**Okay it took me longer than expected cause once again someone just came over to my house to do laundry while I write on FF. People have they're own washing machines WITH dryers, so I don't even understand why they come use mine. I can not possibly fun to talk to when I'm writing so- Haha, my friend's yelling at me.**


	5. Chapter 5

**OKAY! I'VE BEEN PUTTING THIS OFF FOR FAR TOO LONG, SO LETS DO THIS!**

**By the way, I would like to give a shout out once again. To who? Ha, well. TO BLUESTRING'S "COUNT ON ME"! It's absolutely astounding, I think my heart nearly popped out of my chest when I read it.**

**Also. I have a friend, "Nerds Angels And Llamas" who could really use some FF love. Like, okay, I have TONS of favorite authors. TONS of them. But this girl... It's like... Okay. Everything she does is the perfect mix of angst, and humor, and hurt/comfort, and EVERYTHING and it's totally perfect. Her style reminds me of SilentReader32456's because it's all clever and punny and PERFECT. So... yeah. Check her out because every time I read something she writes my eyes practically roll to the back of my head. She's incredible. (By the way, chica, I TOTALLY remembered your numbers. I think...)**

_Logan rubbed his sweaty palms off on his jeans, his eyes darting frantically to meet James's. This was crazy, why did he agree to this? He was practically exploding with fear. Meanwhile, James looked calm and collected, taking Kendall and leading him down the hall by the shoulder. He obviously figured the further the blonde was away from Logan, the more comfortable the scarred boy would be with the whole thing._

_He was right._

_Logan didn't notice Carlos clinging to his arm and whispering "It'll be alright"s into his ear until the pair had gotten so far away he couldn't hear them any more. He could just see Kendall's eyes widen, and his grip on the Latino's hand tightened so hard he cried out. Logan winced in apology, but the response barely cut through the complete and utter terror he was feeling. He knew Kendall wouldn't hate him for this. He knew Kendall wouldn't push him on this. He knew Kendall wouldn't yell at him for this, but he would talk about it. There was no way he'd understand why Logan didn't tell him. He knew he'd be hurt, and confused, and he knew he wouldn't let it go until he knew everything._

_But that was the problem. To know everything, Logan was going to have to remember everything. That was something he couldn't handle. He could barely handle walking straight on the days when he wasn't thinking about it, and when he was... Logan didn't go to school on those days. Up until now, Logan had been "sick" those days. Those days when the world was so scary he couldn't bear to get out of his bed and face it. Those days when he needed to be somewhere small, where sound didn't echo. Those days when everything he saw was a potential weapon._

_Needless to say, his dad had been creative._

* * *

><p>All Logan's thoughts flew out the window when Kendall pivoted on his heels, walking straight for him. Of course, that did nothing to stop how weak his knees felt, or how strong Carlos had made his grip on him just to keep him upright. It was almost impossible how close Kendall's face came to Logan's in such a short amount of time. The boy opened his mouth to speak, the all too familiar smacking sound of a dry tongue sticking to it's roof accompanying it. He looked him directly in the eye, so serious it was intimidating. "You were abused?" he asked, sounding weak. Logan nodded.<p>

Kendall merely backed away, resting his face in his hand. Logan was so absorbed in watching his reaction that James's sudden presence next to him sent him practically rocketing out of his shoes. The taller teen was looking at him so intently it was on the verge of creepy, and his next line didn't help things. "Take off your shirt," he ordered. When Logan looked at him and stammered, James rolled his eyes and demanded, "Show him!" Logan shook his head mutely, so many reasons of why _not_ to show him running through his head, that he almost fell apart. James sighed, and gave him a I-know-your-scared-but-wouldn't-you-rather-just-do-it-now-instead-of-having-him-ask sort of look and Logan complied, peeling his sweaty t-shirt off his body.

He couldn't miss Kendall's eyes turning as big as saucers when he caught sight of the one, lone, slash of a scar ripping diagonally down his chest. The blonde gulped, clearly fixated on Logan, but how he could miss Carlos and James's reactions to him taking off his shirt, the two standing vaguely behind him, was incomprehensible. Carlos was practically turning into a dribbling mess on his arm, burying his face into the crook of his neck and doing everything within his power not to cry. James was holding up far better, and handled it pretty well at first, but eventually Logan's back got to him as well, and he couldn't help but let his breaths go ragged.

Kendall stepped up to Logan, looking very young and very scared. He reached out timidly to touch his chest, but thought better of it. A small smile played on his lips as he looked Logan in the eyes and said, "I guess I really never _have _seen you shirtless until now. You're more built than I thought you'd be. Guess you're not so scrawny underneath all those clothes of yours." Logan smirked, the best he could manage in the situation, but it disappeared quickly. Kendall's hand brushed against his chest warily, as if it might still hurt him to be touched were such a ghastly injury had been. "How'd you get this?" he asked, knowing he shouldn't, but needing to know. He had to know everything he had missed.

"Um..." Logan paled, this is exactly what he didn't want. "G-garden-shears," he answered, dizziness sweeping over him. He remembered that day far too well. Flashes of scenes burnt permanently into his mind flashed before him from those day-long minutes. Blood. Blades. Screams. His screams. Tears. Laughter. Pain. Lots and lost of pain. Bright lights. Sirens. Black... Yeah, needless to say, it had quite possibly been the worst day of his life. He felt his stomach roll.

"Logie, are you okay?" Carlos's scared, voice filtered through his head, gravelly from crying, and Logan was just there enough to nod. He didn't see Kendall walking around him, inspecting for other injuries, but he did hear him gasp. How would one even begin to describe his back...?

It was basically a mess of scars crisscrossing and tangling themselves together. Their sheer quantity in and of themselves was pretty terrifying, but the real scary part was how none of them were the same. Kendall couldn't come close to understanding what the meant, but the idea of it made him sick. Most of them were just little, red lines, varying in width, but there were others, too. Some were big and blocky, possibly from stab wounds. Many were jagged and bumpy, having actually torn flesh from the lean boy. A decent couple were wide from being reopened day after day, relentlessly. An exceptionally long one ran down his spine, coupled with another that could only be described as a scorch mark. Kendall literally vomited right there on the ground.

He traced the burn one carefully. "H-how?" he stuttered, feeling the world fall apart beneath him. Logan shuddered under the touch, this was impossible. His mouth gaped open and closed as he tried to push away the nightmares of memories and form words. For a good few minutes, all he could do was flash back again, horrible images of a fireplace, poker, and sadistic smile creeping through his brain. "Logan, how?" Kendall asked, strength finding it's way into his words again as he pushed through his brain.

Logan gagged, choking on his tongue. "F-Fi-Fi-rah-"

"Logan, how!" Kendall ask, his voice rising in fear, mind you, not malice. Logan tried to speak, tried to form words, but he was vulnerable.

A panic attack had been bound to sweep in.

**BAM! Okay, I KNOW that I didn't update Back In The Days *winces* but I will TOMORROW, I PROMISE! And hopefully the first part of four-shot I have planned for you guys. BTW, I plan to do a good job updating this week, okay? OKAY!**

**The poor baby, I'm giving him two panic attacks in a day... Eh. Whatever. He'll hopefully be getting used to them...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay, my goal currently is to keep my inbox below thirty. What that might mean for all of you, is a lot of rudeness coming from me. I'm apologizing right now if you write a review and I don't respond. I'll do my best. (Sometimes it feels like in the time it takes me to get rid of five emails, twelve new ones sweep in)**

_Logan's vision hazed in and out for a moment, rendering him utterly delirious. Every time he would fade from the world, when he swooped in the scene would change. One minute, he'd be looking into his friends' worried faces, and the next he'd be in that _house_ again. His mouth went dry as he flickered back and forth, every other time looking into the face of that horrible man who beat him just to hear him scream. Despite his dry mouth and every sane part of his brain, which wasn't much, telling him not to, he let out a scream._

_"DADDY!" he yelped, somehow reverting back to his childhood. He felt a strong hand grab his elbow, and Logan immediately pulled away in fear, quaking. He couldn't let him touch him. He couldn't let him _hurt_ him. This was too much, this was too much, this was too much, this was too much! He shrieked as he felt a hand on his back, flinging himself out of the way and jumping into something._

_He didn't know what it was. He couldn't see anything anymore. He couldn't process anything. The only things there were him and his dad._

_And Logan was completely terrified._

* * *

><p>James pulled his hand away, concerned by how violently Logan had jumped away from his touch. He knew he shouldn't let it bother him, he knew it wasn't a good time for him to allow himself to be vulnerable, but he couldn't help but whimper. That look Logan was giving him... it was scary. To see a friend look so helpless and traumatized and wild... no one should ever have to see that. Yet, here was James, staring back as Logan stared up at him, quaking and eyes wide.<p>

The pale boy had somehow managed to go four shades later. He was unnaturally white. His pupils were nothing more than pinpricks as he gasped for breath, hunkered down by the coffee table he had jumped into so ferociously. Not once had James ever seen his friend look so small, his slight frame curled up into a ball as he did nothing more than quake beneath him. A wild look danced in his eyes. Something almost... primal. A desperation to survive that would probably stay tumbling in him until the day he died, but that James had never truly seen until now. Logan's teeth chattered, his body trembled, his hands shook as he held himself close, and it was down right disturbing.

James did not like this. He did not want this. James could count a thousand things he would like to have died without seeing, Gustavo's butt, his lucky comb broken in two, the Wilds losing, but none of them even came _close_ to how much he wished he never had to watch this. A quick look to Carlos and another to Kendall proved that he wasn't the only one feeling this way, and, somehow, that made him feel even more upset by the whole thing.

This wasn't normal. His friends' expressions proved just that, and this wasn't okay. He almost couldn't stomach all the adrenaline pumping through his veins, and Carlos proved he actually couldn't when he vomited up onto the carpet. The poor rug was seeing a lot of throw up that day, and if James's stomach had anything to say about it, it was going to see some more.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Kendall reaching for Logan, putting his arm out and leaning forward to console him with his comforting touch, but Logan flinched away, banging his head on the leg of the coffee table, but that didn't seem to deter him from knocking right up against it again when Carlos mimicked Kendall's action.

Frustration etched into the blonde's face, and James knew what he was thinking and felt the exact same way. How were they supposed to take care of Logan when he was freaking out like this? Last time he had said he was fine, but he had also jumped right back out of that one. This time it felt endless. There was Logan lying on the ground, tears now falling down in sheets on his face, and there was nothing they could do to stop it. He hesitated to call 911. James didn't want to blow this out of proportion, especially if it had an easy fix, but right now he just couldn't see one. This was when Logan was supposed to step in and tell them all what to do, but that wasn't happening this time.

That's when he started mumbling. It was quite at first, almost inaudible, but it grew louder, until it reached a full out scream. "No, no, no, please daddy, put it back, I'm sorry, please, stop, make it go away. No, no, NO! I don't want it, go AWAY! Stop it, get me OUT! GET ME OUT OF HERE! LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE! STOP!" His voice shrilled as his volume increased. Panic was evident on his face, and James was starting to feel it worm its way into his chest, too. He pulled out his phone. "NO!" Logan wailed, his face soaked from crying. "IT HURTS! IT HURTS! NO!"

That was it, James was making the call. He punched in a 9 and a 1, when he felt something grab his leg. Logan. He looked up at him with troubled eyes, blubbering as he tried to talk. "D-don' c-call. 'S m-kay," he slurred, completely and obviously out of it, but this time there was a sanity in his eyes. James felt relief wash over him and he bent down to smother his Logan in a hug. His Logan who disappeared in his arms. His Logan who got a world of punishment when all he deserved was love.

Tears rushed down Logan's cheeks, matching James's own. The heart throb was almost numb to the feel of two other sets of arms wrapping around them, their embrace weak in relief. That was it, he was done. James was too emotionally and physically worn out to keep this up anymore. He was driving them all home, and heading off to a well deserved nap with plans on pushing the others to follow his lead.

But first, Logan. His friend was melting into his arms, his face buried into his shoulder as he sobbed words of apologies, each muffled by his shirt. James responded barely with "It's okay"s, but, really, he was two thankful that the scary moment was over to be of any real comfort. _Holy crap, that was horrifying_. As the initial shock wore off, James did nothing but cry harder. Soon, he wasn't struggling to comfort Logan, but the other way around.

James, realizing this and embarrassed, shook him off. "Come on," he said, tugging the sweatshirt he had ditched before all this craziness on the chair and tugging it over his head. "Let's go home." He grabbed Logan, and he grabbed Carlos, and he brought Kendall to his feet, not pausing for anything else to go wrong before making his way to their car.

**GAH! DONE! Okay, really sorry if this is rushed, but I only had three minutes to spare, which I'm going to use for editing (sorry if it's typo FILLED!)**

**Okay, I'm here to "impress" you with another fact:**

**James Maslow never had to have braces, but I DO! SOB!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Huff. My stupid computer froze and the original version to this was deleted. *sobs* So I'm writing it again! LET'S DO THIS!**

**Dude, this is SERIOUSLY IMPORTANT. Okay, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I seriously love pretty much every fic ever, and it's really bad. However. My current favorite is "Downhill From Here" by Mikkal, and not NEARLY enough people are reading it. IT HAS ALL OF MY FAVORITE THINGS and it's just SO cohesive, and SO well written, and SO well thought out. At first, I wasn't COMPLETELY sold, but then when xxxxx xxx xxxxxxxx, i was totally HOOKED! So please go read it. I swear, if you're reading this, you'll love it!**

_Logan slumped in his seat, facing the window and watching as the crowded streets of LA whizzed by. He unintentionally leaned away, his eyes wide and fearful as he stared outside, his heart rate pacing. His body was tired, trying to push into sleep, but he kept himself awake. To Logan, the entire world was a threat. Taking a nap now would be like dozing with one of those zombie armies Carlos was always talking about hot on your heels, that's how prominent it was to him. His eyes darted back and forth, as guilt constricted his chest from the thoughts swirling in his head._

_This was all his fault. It was always his fault. His mom... his dad... He felt horrible. Logan knew if he had stayed with his dad quite literally a second longer, he would be dead, but that didn't quell the horrible feeling brooding inside him. He had done the same thing with his mom. If she hadn't taken that truck for him... Tears dripped down Logan's face, and he turned further toward the window, hiding his crying from James in the driver's seat. He was alive at the price of both his parents, and the guilt was tearing him apart. _

_Logan knew he deserved what his father gave him for killing his mom. He also knew he needed to be punished for this, too. Logan was a bad person. Logan was a murderer, he was a betrayer, he was a framer, and he couldn't help but feel like it was time he took that knife he had jabbed into his parents' backs and take it to himself._

_That's what killers should get._

* * *

><p>Carlos was really worried about Logan. Really worried. The Latino was known for being able to read people, but there was something off about Logan that he couldn't place, and it was driving him nuts. In fact, it was probably eating Carlos up more than it was eating Logan up. It made him pretty concerned, but he didn't know what to do about it. Carlos wasn't good at confrontation or voicing these kinds of things, so he let it go. For now. However, that didn't stop his curious looks toward the pale boy or him arching an eyebrow like a suspicious Kendall. The thing was, they still didn't know what was going on with Logan. Sure, they had confronted him about it, but... all that... <em>stuff<em> had happened and they'd never really gotten an answer.

Meanwhile, Kendall was having a hard time coping with everything he had just been told. He paced back and forth of the orange couch, annoying James and going unnoticed by Carlos who were sitting on it. Logan was napping in their room, understandably emotionally drained and taking a nap. The blond had a hand on his chin in a classic thinking pose, and James scowled at him as he wore a hole in the floor. "Can you stop that?" James asked, frustrated. He was kind of mad at Kendall for making Logan spill today instead of letting it go, and was showing it.

"Why didn't he _tell_ me?" he moaned, feeling lower than dirt and plopping down next to James on the couch. He thought he and Logan were close, and then he drops his secret on him... How could he have missed it? They were supposed to be best friends! His heart sank a little lower as he thought of all the times where he should have figured it out, all the clues he had been given. He should have seen the signs, but he hadn't, and now he felt horrible. James sighed and wavered, then let out a puff of air and put a comforting hand on Kendall's shoulder.

"If it means anything," he said, annoyance still lining his voice but empathy masking it, "he didn't tell us either." Kendall looked at him, confused. James rolled his eyes. "He woke up one night from a nightmare again, and we decided to ask him what was going on with him this time, and-"

"Woah, woah, woah," Kendall cut him off, arching and eyebrow. James crossed his arms and gave him a 'what now?' look. Kendall ran his hands through his hair. "Logan's been having nightmares? Since when?" James scoffed, unable to hide how irritated he was with the blond.

"Since always? You were there, he just never woke you up before cause you sleep like a _log_. You're the only one of us who does, unless it's Carlos after a hockey game or thanksgiving," James said, and Kendall paled. There was so much he was just finding out about Logan, and it made him feel so isolated. Why did he have to be such a heavy sleeper? He could have been there! He could have helped Logan! He was _supposed_ to be there! He was about to open his mouth to say something else, but James waved him off. "Anyway, so he tried to pass it off like it was nothing, and then Carlos started spewing some stuff about Logan's scars, and he got all scared, so I took him out here and then made him show me," he finished with a shrug. Kendall eyed him skeptically.

"Are you okay?" he asked, and James looked at him like he was insane. Kendall just inched closer to James and looked him in the eyes. "That must have been scary to deal with Carlos and Logan all by yourself after seeing that," he explained. No matter what could be said about Kendall, he really did look after his friends. For a second, James's angry exterior broke, and Kendall saw into him, all his emotion flooding to his eyes. Hurt. Fear. Confusion. In all to quick of a moment, he was back to being annoyed and brushed him off.

"I'm fine." Kendall nodded acceptingly, and looked to Carlos. The Latino was barely with them, his thoughts focused on Logan. Kendall scooted over and wrapped him into a hug. At first, Carlos seemed to not notice him, limp in his arms, but then he slowly started to hold onto the blond, eventually gripping him so tight it was hard for Kendall to breath.

"Are you okay?" he whispered into his ear, and Carlos shook his head in the crook of his neck. Kendall could feel his hot tears soaking his t-shirt, but he didn't care. Why would he? Carlos was traumatized, and Kendall really wanted to step it up as a leader. He should have _known_ about Logan, and he was determined to take care of his boys better. Next time, then, they might trust him with stuff like this. He bit his lip as Carlos trembled in his arms. Things had been so good, and it felt like in a nanosecond everything had imploded.

As Carlos leached onto him, somewhere out of the corner of his eye, Kendall caught James glaring at him. What was his problem? It was like he'd just woke up deciding not to like him anymore, and it was infuriating. Kendall didn't know what he did wrong. It wasn't like he had been the one to hurt Logan. He had always been there for him to talk to, he just... didn't want him apparently. Maybe that's why James was mad. Maybe Logan hadn't wanted to tell him because of something he did, and James still wasn't over it yet. The thought made him nauseous.

Gosh, why didn't they _tell_ him? What did he _do_? He was overcome by guilt and confusion, and soon he wasn't holding Carlos anymore, but Carlos was holding him. He didn't know how his forehead came to rest on the Latino's thin shoulder, but he didn't care. As he started to come out of it, he noticed how skinny Carlos's arm really was. He ignored his tears and pulled away, reaching for the shorter boy's wrist. It practically disappeared in his hand. He looked and Carlos questioningly, trying not to show how scared he was. How had he not noticed how emaciated Carlos had gotten? His heart twanged with fear, and Carlos looked to his toes sheepishly.

"I'm just... worried about him, you know?" Kendall nodded but was still horror stricken. Carlos kept babbling. "When I'd seen his back that one time... there hadn't been that many scars." He looked up into Kendall's eyes, reflecting his tears. "I could have saved him. He was still being hurt by his dad when I saw. Why didn't I tell?" He looked like he was about to start sobbing, but Carlos didn't cry. He couldn't. Not when Logan was so hurt. Not when Logan was the only one deserving of tears. Not again.

Kendall sniffed and stood up, heading off to the kitchen and dragging Carlos behind him. He was alarmed by how easy it was. He sat him in a bar stool and took some soup out from the fridge, sticking it in the microwave. The apartment was filled with an awkward silence as they waited for it to heat through. Kendall served it to Carlos so fast it sloshed onto the counter, but before he could say anything, a spoon was shoved in his hand. "Eat it, okay?" Kendall said brokenly. "Just... don't move until it's all gone." Carlos nodded weakly.

He gagged with every bite.

**Haha, so THAT took forever.**

**Guys, I drink SO MUCH JUICE! If I stopped drinking juice, I'd probably die from starvation. Like... it's all I ever have. I drink it and read/write/review FF, so yup.**

**READ. DOWNHILL. FROM. HERE. RIGHT. NOW!**


	8. Chapter 8

**GUYS! Cheeky is in a VERY Cargan-y mood, so please excuse the excessive Carlos and Logan I'm undoubtedly going to be using in everything I write, cause it's really bad.**

**Oh, and if any of you guys feel the urge to write ANYTHING Cargan, bromance or otherwise, DON'T HESITATE! It's all I've been able to read/write/think about lately, and there's not a chance that I wouldn't read it cause I'm just SO into it. **

**This reminds me: Sum1cooler guys! READ HIS STUFF! Especially if you're in as big of a Cargan mood as I am (which I doubt, because NO ONE could be in as big a Cargan mood as I am. It's pretty intense...)**

_Logan's mind relentlessly scrolled through the same thoughts that had been keeping him awake all this time. It was a constant again. The fear. The uncertainty. It was all plaguing him again, and he didn't know what to do. He just kept tossing and turning in his bed, hoping for sleep to take him away. His heart lurched with each memory that flitted through his brain, images of his bloodied limbs flashing to him each time he closed his eyes. _

_Logan could feel his world breaking apart beneath him all over again. He had gotten over this. He'd moved away from his demons, and now he was in LA, supposedly happy and healed. At least, that's what he thought he was. It was all shattering now, though. Logan burried himself further beneath the covers in a weak defense against everything that was coming back to haunt him once again. All that he had thought he left in Minnesota. Apparently, they'd come along for the plane ride._

_He whimpered in the dark of his room, worthess against the fear worming its way through his heart. This time, though, it wasn't alone. Guilt was creeping in with it, and he couldn't push it away. He was a horrible person. Why did the police have to call and tell him? Tears streaked Logan's cheeks. Why?_

* * *

><p>Carlos sat in the hallway, his back up against the closed door to their room. He hugged his knees to his chest, not sure what to do with himself. On the other side of the wall, Logan was probably asleep and not needing Carlos to wake him up. However, the Latino would be lying if he said he wasn't worried about him. His stick-like arms were enough to prove that.<p>

It's not that Carlos didn't want to eat. He was tired of being hungry and would _kill_ to be able to down a stack of Mrs. Knight's delicious pancakes again. He just... couldn't. It felt wrong. Each bite made him sick, until he couldn't even sit at the table any more. His stomach lurched at the thought of actually eating breakfast for once.

Everyday, Carlos had woken up to Logan wasting away, becoming a shade of himself. He didn't know why, and that killed him, but that didn't stop Logan from loosing more and more of what made him who he was. He could see the twitch becoming more and more prominent in his eye. He could sense his paranoia claiming more and more of him all the time. And if it was happening to Logan, then Carlos didn't want him to go it alone. He was coming, too, and there was no way to stop him. Maybe he couldn't fall apart the same way that he was, but there were other ways to break. Not eating was Carlos's way of not leaving Logan behind, whether he knew it or not.

Worry ate at the unusually still boy. He burried his face into his knees, trying not to fall to the tears threatening to claim him. No matter how much he wanted to cry, Carlos refused. This wasn't about him. He'd already done more sobbing then he wanted to allow himself to, and he wasn't going to put any more attention on himself. Today was about Logan. Tomorrow was about Logan. His _life_ was now about Logan. Carlos didn't want to get in the way of that.

His heart felt like a slow, thick pulse in his ears, like someone clapping under water but with more of a shock through him. He felt itchy and restless, and his old, constant need to move took over him. He jumped up, continuing to bounce as he eyed the doorknob to their bedroom, still feeling antsy. Carlos couldn't take it anymore.

The Latino burst into the room, not missing it as Logan whipped straight up in his bed, instict practically sending him flying. Carlos ignored it and leaped onto him, pulling him into the tightest hug he could manage, which was quite tight indeed. He felt like Logan was falling away from them, and Carlos hated it. He clung onto the taller boy harder, blinking away the tears stinging his eyes for what felt like the millionth time that day. He hated this.

Time passed slowly, stretching the night into an eternity. Carlos was vaguely aware of James and Kendall coming in that night to go to bed, but all that was really there to him were Logan and the way that he was shaking in his arms. His thin, brittle, weak arms. Carlos hated them. What good would they do to protect Logan? He had to make up for before. He had to save him now because he didn't when he first saw his scars. The difference was, he actually _could_ have save Logan before. Now, he couldn't. He was too tiny to do any good against whatever Logan was going up against. He was small, and dumb, and worthless. He wanted to keep him safe, but how could he?

The morning sun rolled up in the sky, light falling on the two boys for the first time since they latched together. They hadn't moved, still sitting upright on Logan's bed, the pale boy's face buried into his thin friend's neck. Carlos knew he should let go, that Logan wouldn't actually drift away if he did, but he couldn't. As long as he was still holding onto him, Carlos couldn't find it in him to let go.

Eventually, Logan pulled away, breaking Carlos's heart and hope a little. However, he didn't go far. As life pattered along for the next few days, Logan stayed close to his side, practically shrinking into him a little bit more with every passing hour. Carlos didn't like what was happening, how he was becoming so dependant on attaching to him like this. He wanted the old, braver Logan back, but he got the sense that wasn't happening any time soon. instead he just led his friend around, keeping him at an arms length constantly.

Meals were awkward, all three of his friends not allowing him to leave the table until his plate was satisfyingly cleared. He was still swimming in his clothes though, much to his dismay. He couldn't stop feeling like he _had_ to be able to protect Logan, guilt piercing him each time he remembered he couldn't.

Kendall skirted around the outskirts of their little duo, waiting to swoop in at any moment and talk about everything that he'd found out about with Logan, but Carlos could see Logan wasn't ready to get into it again. There was something else eating at him, and until that was resolved, Carlos wasn't going to let Kendall get anywhere near him. At least he could save him from that, if nothing else. He wondered when Logan would tell him what else was going on. It pained him a little to think he didn't trust him enough to spill everything, but he didn't want to push it.

He didn't know how bad it was.

So when they were watching the Lion King, Logan curled up by his side, he didn't expect him to start sobbing when Mufasa died. He didn't expect Logan to cling onto him so tight he could barely breathe. Most of all, he didn't expect Logan to admit his two biggest, darkest secrets to him, one having plagued him for years, the other only for a month.

No, Carlos certainly didn't see that coming.

**You know what bugs me? How people think the guys have to go up the swirly slide or upstairs to get to their bedroom. I would like to point everyone's attention to Big Time Reality where Carlos walks out from UNDER the swirly slide to James with money in his hand. See that little hallway there? Yeah, it's right UNDER the swirly slide and then it bends? You can also see it in Green Time Rush. Mrs. Night is standing RIGHT in front of it with her clothes line. THAT'S the hall where their rooms are. No going up involved. Okay, sorry, that was obnoxious, but it's been bothering me, you know? **

**FACT: (I've missed these) Hippos can run faster than humans**

**ALSO!**

**This July, there are 5 Sundays, 5 Fridays and 5 Saturdays. This only happens once ever 823 years. It's also the one year where you can take the last two digets of your birth year, and add them to the age you will be this year, and they add up to be 111 every time. It's also 1-1-11, 1-11-11, 11-1-11, and 11-11-11 in the same year! Isn't that neat?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Guys. If you type "Dinosaurs are" into google, it comes up with "Dinosaurs are Jesus ponies". HAHAHAHA! Dinosaurs so ARE Jesus ponies. **

**Okay, continuing in Halfway There. *Brain bleeds* I wanna throw in a whole tongue (haha, meant ton, but tongue looks WAY funnier) of Cargan, but I vow to put in other characters. Especially since I think I listed Logan and James as the two in this.**

_Logan tried to keep calm and collected. He tried to seem fine, but inside, his brain was screaming. The flashbacks were constant, the memories brutal, the guilt crippling. Logan could barely take it. He felt himself falling, but he didn't want anyone else to see. So Logan sang his best in the recording studio, and he danced his heart out. He tried to do everything normally, attempting to throw everyone off of his fear. There was however, one thing he did differently._

_Logan couldn't stop clinging to Carlos. _

_It really could have been any of them in retrospect. It just so happened that Carlos was the one to come in his room that one night to hold him, and that's why he was so attatched to him. For the past two weeks, Logan had been holding onto Carlos's arm, squeezing it tight when he got to scared, still trying to play it off as no big deal, but he was sure Carlos could see the need in his eyes. _

_Logan knew it was obvious to his friends how desperate he was to keep them near. He needed all of them. He needed their love, their protection. He couldn't get to sleep if all three weren't in their beds. He woke up the instant one of them did, staring back at their owlish eyes in the night. Logan was worried it wasn't healthy how dependant he had gotten on them, but his brain wasn't healthy anyway, so he blew it off._

_Logan hated the constant feeling of being on the verge of crying. He hated how terrified he was of everything. He hated how it was all his fault. It was all his fault, all his fault. So eventually, Logan couldn't help but break._

* * *

><p>Logan's face burried into Carlos's stomach as he was sprawled out on the couch. His shoulders shook violently, tears already soaking their way through the Latino's t-shirt. At first, Carlos was lost. He held his arms up at a loss, but instincts helped him out, and he wrapped the pale boy up in a strong hug. He tried to calm him, rubbing his back, but Logan just cried harder. Carlos didn't know what was going on, but...<p>

Okay, Carlos had seen Logan cry. He'd seen him cry _hard_. You didn't become this close to an abused kid without being there for a melt down, but this was different. This was almost ridiculous. Logan didn't even seem to be breathing at all, his face turning slightly blue. He gasped a little, but Carlos was still scared. He didn't know how to help him, he was just... Carlos. Despite how much he didn't want to admit it, he knew Logan wouldn't be okay with just a Carlos. His mouth ran dry, and he called, "Kendall?"

The blonde was thankfully in the living room in seconds, having heard the urgency and unmasked fear in Carlos's voice. Kendall looked calm, but Carlos had never been sure during times like these. He went to grab Logan from him, but the shorter boy struck out at him, batting his hand away and leaching on tighter to Carlos. Logan wanted _him_. Kendall's face fell into the most crestfallen thing Carlos had ever seen. He winced in sympathy, but Kendall turned away.

James, who had heard Logan's sobbing from the bathroom, rushed out, hair wet and clothes soaking from having just gotten out of the shower without drying off. "What's going on?" he asked, his voice shaking, and he flashed an angry glare towards Kendall, who put his hands up in innocence. James looked to Carlos, who at this point had tears streaming down his face, too.

"I don't know!" he hiccuped, his eyes wide and confused. "He just started crying, I can't- I can't..." He fell off it, blubbering too much and feeling guilty because of it. Where had his strength gone? The second Logan starts sobbing like this, he joins him? Now wasn't his time. Now was _Logan's_ time. He tried to compose himself as a very anxious James grabbed the pale boy under the arms and picked him up, pulling him off Carlos and into his lap.

James held Logan tight against him, feeling his chest heave with every gut-wreching sob. He brought a hand up and ran it through the shorter boy's short hair, it ruffling between his fingers. "Shhhh, relax," he whispered in his ear repeatedly, patiently holding him as he tried to calm down. "It'll be okay."

"Okay?" Logan asked, finding his voice. "Okay? How can it be okay?" He pulled away, finding his own spot on the couch, Hakuna Matata playing in the background. James put a comforting hand on his knee, and Logan flinched. He looked up at James untrusting, something different and new burning in his eye. He scooted closer, feeling his friends lean in behind him. The distressed boy pulled his arms around himself, emitting a quite whimper. "I'm a murderer," he whispered.

Kendall pushed himself in front of James and Carlos, determined and frustrated. This was _his_ show, _his_ band, and _his_ Logan, and he was _claiming _him right now. He grabbed onto his shoulders, keeping it gentle despite the heat of his temper. He gave him his trademark stare, his green eyes shimmering and watching as Logan fell helpless. "What are you talking about?" he asked, knowing he could expect an answer. Logan bit his lip.

"I killed them," he answered, trembling a little bit as he admitted it. He clawed at his arms, unintentionally mimicking the way his guilt was tearing him apart from the inside. He couldn't take this. Logan was pretty sure that his friends could hear his heartbeat, it was pulsing so loudly in his ears. He ran his hands through his hair, pulling at it. "I killed them, and I did it for me. I killed them, I killed them, I killed them, and I can't TAKE IT!" he shouted, crushing his head between his hands.

"Killed who?" Carlos asked uncertainly, not sure he wanted to know the answer. Logan looked... psychotic, and it scared him. He held onto James shoulder tightly in fear.

Logan fell back on the couch, leaning on the cusions and slumping in his seat. He let out a heavy puff of air, and tried to shake of the tremor that passed through his spine as his mouth fumbled to form the words. "My parents."

**This took forever, cause I was watching BTBreak Up while I did it. "He's gonna need us this week, and my list of girls who aren't hot enough for me but are perfect for you, and HUGS! Ehh?" Okay, can you please KILL ME? **

**Um, I honestly started crying. BTW, um, I now officially love Jo. A lot. What happened? And I expected to be really mad at Kendall, but I'm more in love with him than ever. And I thought I would be mad at Logan for trying to take Carlos's helmet, but I squealed so hard, I couldn't take it.**

**I think I loved this episode more than the non-existant dramatic version the wikipedia people made up. By a lot. It was perfect, and I'm depressed.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Guys, I want you ALL to check out my girl, vikwhis13, and read her stuff because she's the only reason I'm updating right now. Okay? Like seriously, she's amazing, and I love her, so just go check her out right now. Why not?**

**Um, and in case you haven't heard, I just got out of the WORST week ever, so that's why I haven't been updating. But I don't want to talk about it, so now you know, lets just forget about it.**

_Logan was oh-too aware of the fact that his mom died when he was four. You don't even know what a whip _is_ when you're four, unless your watching things you shouldn't be, so the first time you feel what it's like on your back, its unlikely you'll forget the whos, whats, whens, wheres, and whys. He also knew that most people didn't remember much from when they were that young, only what their parents tell them and the traumatizing things. So there were definitely explanations as to why he felt the way he did about his mom._

_He could only remember a flash of her face, fear set deep in her eyes as she quickly undid her seat belt. The only touch he could remember was her jumping to cover him. The only thing he could remembering was a quick 'I love you' and a scream. Then... impact. __That was all Logan actually knew about his mother. _

_And then there was the stuff that his dad told him._

_After years of being told stories through his father shouting at him, he knew she was perfect. If you asked Logan to describe his mom in one word, he would probably say goddess because his dad made it painfully clear that it was a sin that she had died. Logan remembered her to be pretty, but his dad was determined she was beautiful. Logan thought she seemed nice, but Mr. Mitchell called her kinder than Mother Teresa. Logan figured her to be a good woman, but his father deemed her perfect. Of course, Logan was used to being generally wrong about his mom. After all, he thought she loved him._

_His dad assured him she didn't. He told him that no one could. Logan didn't fully believe that. He had three friends that said otherwise, but his mom... he was never sure. She said so, but his dad said she didn't, and he had known her longer. She was the best thing to ever happen, or that's what had been drilled into his head, and it was his fault she died. Logan murdered her. He was a disgrace. He was a mess up. _

_His mom was flawless._

* * *

><p>Tears dribbled down Logan's cheeks. He was strong enough to keep it hidden this long, but after his dad had been killed... it was the final straw. Not even Carlos could keep him together at this point; Logan was bursting at the seams. James tried to pull him in again, but Logan just broke away. He couldn't let his friends touch him. He was tainted. Nothing but evil flowed through his veins; it had been all his fault. Kendall snapped and gained his attention, his face stoney, but Logan could still see the concern poking through. "How, Logan?" he asked, a slight twinge of exhaustion on the edge of his words.<p>

He sniffed. Kendall didn't believe him. He shouldn't of course; Logan was a liar. He had been keeping huge secrets from his friends, he didn't deserve their trust. However, a shared glance between James and Carlos proved that they didn't know what to believe. Logan took a deep breath, easier said than done, he was crying so hard. He would tell them but only for him. He needed to relieve himself of the guilt. Yes, he knew that was selfish, but Logan had already proved himself to be a take-all-leave-none kind of person. He shuddered.

"I sacrificed them," he said, hesitating to continue. This was something he was told, not something he himself had said. It scared him to admit something so... consuming. "I killed my mom to save me from a car crash, and I killed my dad to stop him from killing me," he said vaguely, to overwhelmed to go any deeper into it. Of course, that didn't mean his friends weren't going to press. In fact, he _knew _they were going to push him. Logan started to hyperventilate. "I can't, I can't, I, I, I," he couldn't breathe. Kendall reached out and rubbed his arms.

"Woah, woah, woah, calm down. Baby steps," he told him, and Logan willed himself to relax, his ragged breaths slowing to little hiccups with his tears. Not good, but manageable. Kendall was honestly really worried about Logan. He was only getting bits and pieces, but from what he could tell, the kid was blaming himself for things that were far less than his fault. He bit his lip. It felt like for the first time in their entire friendship, Kendall was getting a glimpse at how messed up his friend's head really was, and it scared him. He took a calming breath himself and asked, "Logan, how did you kill your mom to save yourself from a car crash?" he asked, saying it very plainly to hopefully get him to see how ridiculous he sounded. Logan blinked, and Kendall could practically see the cogs turning in his brain.

"We were in the truck," he said, sounding rehearsed. It might have had something to do with the number of times he had heard it, but his friends didn't know that. "I was in the front without a car seat, four-years-old, and worthless against an airbag. Maybe if I had been stronger, I wouldn't have killed her," he said, just repeating what his father had told him. "The police say the tires slipped on the ice, but I was probably distracting her so she didn't see how slippery the road was. My mother would have noticed; she was observant. Maybe if I had been quieter, I wouldn't have killed her." All four sets of their eyebrows were knitted together in either focus or confusion. "A big moving truck came at us and she jumped to save me because I was scared of getting hurt and dying. Maybe if I was braver, she wouldn't have died," he relayed. "It's my fault."

His confession was taken in silence. Carlos spoke slowly, his voice gravelly from crying, his eyes wet, "Logan... that's not true. She loved you like a mommy should and was just protecting you. It wasn't because of you." Logan looked at him incredulously. For a minute, he had let himself listen because he wanted it to be true just _so_ bad, but reality quickly swept over him. He rubbed his face in exasperation.

"Then why did I do it again?" he countered. Carlos was about to respond, but Kendall cut him off, knowing not to fight this losing battle now. They still had a story to hear. He put a hand on Logan's knee, frowning when he flinched, but smiling when he didn't pull away.

"How about your dad, Logie?" he asked, unfairly pulling out the childhood nickname and watching as Logan fell helpless. Kendall couldn't help but smirk a bit to himself. His boys were so easy sometimes. As stubborn as they were, pull out a "'Los" here, a "Jay Jay" there, and they immediately broke. It was sort of cheating, though, since Kendall got _extremely_ annoyed when they whipped out a "Ken-doll" or "Kendy" on him, so he reserved if for occasions such of this. Have to knows, not wanna knows. He felt Logan quake beneath his hand.

"He was- was-" his voice shook, and his entire body trembled, "_hurting_ me, and the police came in, and now... and now..." At this point, Logan was shaking so hard it was scary, and Kendall found the terrified boy wrapped protectively in his arms. "He's dead!" he wailed, "He wanted to keep beating me, to stab me, but I was bleeding to much and the police wouldn't let him! He was gonna get my heart! He said he was done! He said they could take him once I was gone, so-so-so," Logan was having trouble breathing, and Kendall rubbed his back as he literally let it all out. "They shot him," he whimpered, "they shot him, he was in a coma, and he died," he finished. "If only I had died the first times he tried." Kendall sighed. Life was growing more tangled and complicated with each passing hour.

"Oh, Loges..."

**Guess what! I'm learning to juggle! Isn't that exciting? I KNOW RIGHT? It's so awesome, I'm getting pretty good, but I still need a few more hundred hours of practice... Pretty good for me is able to throw each ball up in the air once and catch it. (Like... one little round of it...)**

**I never liked "Kenny" as a nickname for Kendall. It irks me. I know some people don't like "Jamie" but I have no problems with it. In this, though, I had them call each other what I call them. Normally, though, Kendall's K-dawg when I'm talking about him. James is ALWAYS Jay Jay. Carlos is 'Los. Logan's shockingly Logan most of the time, but when he's being exceptionally cute I'll call him 'Loge" and when he's being SUPER cute, I call him "Loges". Never Logie. I don't know why...**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello Little Lovies!**

**I'm REALLY sorry for doing this to you, but this is NOT an update. But woah, woah, woah. Before you go anywhere, there's not actually going to BE a REAL update for quite a while, so I need all you lovely readers to focus just for a minute and hear me out. Big things are happening. BIG THINGS!**

**So as of tomorrow at four in the morning (Dear Lord, kill me now. Amen.) I will be phone-less, computer-less, DS-less, TV-less, *insert any other electronic device you can think of here*-less because I will be going away to *drum roll please* **

**YOUNGE LIFE CAMP!**

**Yes, it's very exciting, and I'm going to be gone for a whole week. Now for all of you who haven't connected the dots yet, no worries, that means that I am going to be unable to post anything and PM anyone for a whole week. That also means that when I get back I'm going to have a HUGE inbox BURSTING with emails and some things may get lost in the shuffle. And by some, I mean a lot. And for all you out there who are new to reading or whatever, this is not the best week to make friends, but I'd LOVE to as of next Monday.**

**Good? Okay.**

**Now, I'm also really sorry that this didn't come with an update because I feel like a JERK about just giving you an AN sort of thing-y, but I haven't even packed yet, and did I mention I'm leaving at four in the morning? Okay. So... yeah. **

**THIS IS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! **

**There's going to be an identical message for each of my multi-chapters but there will be ONE thing that is different. I'm going to leave you with a few of my favorite stories, so while I'm gone you can still read stories (awesomer stories), just not mine.**

**And if you aren't on any of the lists, don't worry about it, okay? Most of these are just what have been updated most recently or have left me with the biggest cliff-hangers so no big deal. Um... this is "Halfway There"? Awesome.**

**WHILE I'M GONE...**

Weak by (I love her stories more than myself)

Juicy by (current favorite author)

Downhill From Here by Mikkal (although she's also gone right now...)

Make Me Feel Like Someone Else by (inspirer of everything I've ever written)

**So look at that! Four similar stories! I seriously would check them out because I'm addicted to all three.**

**ALSO NEWS: I'm not taking annonymus reviews anymore because of personal reasons. Just know it's not because I can't handle a flame (I've gotten them before, no big deal), but more because who am I to be in a position to make me feel so unpretty? Right? Right.**

**Bye my Little Lovies!**

**Love,**

**Cheeky. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Guys! For the record, juggling is going very well. I can now do it and stop by catching one ball in my MOUTH! It's awesome. **

**Um, sorry for the wait... no excuse really... BUT I WANNA FINISH THIS TODAY! So T-minus eleven hours til midnight. We'll see if I can get it done. AVPM! HELP ME THROUGH! **

**While I'm here, I'm going to shamelessly advertise StarKid. If you've never heard of them, their this theater that performs my top three favorite original musicals that are ALL flawlessly done on YouTube. Like... Okay. Seriously, if you've never seen A Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Sequel, or Starship, you're missing out on Cheeky's top three favorite things to ever happen. **

**Honestly, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up until I watched Starship. Now I know I wanna be A STARSHIP RANGER! ANYTHING FOR THE DREAM! Guys... It's not even okay. I WANT STARKID... and a rocketship.**

_Numb. Completely and utterly numb. That's all Logan could feel, if you could even call it that. He could see his friends deteriorating along side him, the pep in their step being sucked away by his dreary existence, but he couldn't bring himself to talk, let alone do anything about it. _

_He had shifted into silence after _that_ delightful conversation... you know, the one that shouldn't be named. He sang in the studios, he answered when spoken to, but he wasn't the same Logan anymore, and he knew it. He didn't even feel right to himself. Logan knew how pale he looked; he knew how dead his eyes looked. It wasn't like there weren't mirrors in 2J. Logan was painfully aware of his appearance, and how it was draining the life out of everyone around him, but it was just so _hard.

_Everything took so much _energy_, and while he wanted to help his friends and put on a happy face like he had been striving to for so long, he just couldn't help but think about all the _work_ it would take. Logan knew it was selfish. He knew everything. But that didn't make anything any easier. In fact, it made it that much more suffocating to deal with. _

_It wasn't easy to describe how crushed he was feeling. It was as if every morning when he got out of bed, a little bit of him was left under the sheets each day. He was eroding, crumbling, wasting away. And unfortunately..._

_Logan didn't care._

* * *

><p>"James! Wakey wakey!" Kendall begged, shaking his mattress. Despite the normal cheer he put into those very words usually, Kendall just sounded tired today. He'd been sounding tired for a very long time. "We've got a big day ahead of us! Time to greet it with a smile!" An arm flung out from underneath the comforter and whizzed past his ear. "Haha. Nice shot, buddy, but you missed. Two minutes," Kendall warned, leaving for the shower with a worn out sigh. James sat up in bed and scrubbed at his face. Another day he didn't want to face. He threw a pillow at Carlos's head, successfully waking him up, and went about blindly pulling on clothes.<p>

Eventually, all four boys were seated around the table with bowls of cereal in front of them. Logan's eyes were rimmed with red and staring vacantly at the rim of his cup. It physically hurt James to see Logan like this. He couldn't take the way he would break down into hiccuping sobs. He hated how he couldn't console him no matter how hard he tried. He despised how quickly everything had fallen apart to this extent. He resented Kendall for not being able to fix it. He wanted his Logan back... even if his Logan had been nothing but a lie.

The dark silence of the room was cut when Logan's hands slammed down on the table as he stood up, his chair clattering to the floor. He spoke, his body shaking with each word. "I. Can't. _Do this. Anymore,_" he said through clenched teeth, and his friends were at a loss to say anything back. This was just so... abrupt. It didn't fit in with the scene. Sure, Logan was sad, that was a no-brainer, but what... what even was this? A tantrum, or something more? What were they supposed to say? What was even going on?

"Ah... Logie?" Kendall asked, trying to get a grip on the situation. Logan's head was tilted down, so he couldn't see his expression. It was a bit unnerving, especially as it didn't reveal any tells about how the morning was going to go. He reached out to grab his wrist, but Logan immediately batted it away. His hands tightened into fists at his sides, and his back was rigid.

"_Don't_ touch me. Don't touch me, unless you're willing to end it. You don't care if you won't end it," he practically growled, seething. Carlos and James shared a look, not sure what was going on. They were pretty used to all kinds of outbursts from Logan, but this was different, and they honestly weren't sure what they were dealing with. Carlos cleared his throat.

"End what?" he questioned, his words tiptoeing through the air. For all Carlos's craziness, he knew a delicate situation when he saw it, even when it felt this random. Logan's head whipped up, and the way his eyes bore through Carlos made him wish he had never asked. He subconsciously curled in on himself and a tremor resounded in this voice. "Logan?" Waiting for an answer that, unfortunately, Logan didn't intend on giving him any time soon.

"I'm not me anymore," Logan rambled incoherently, "I'm not all here, I'm gone! I'm gone! Look! Look at me! I'm not here. I'm not HERE! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOOK!" He gripped Carlos's collar from across the collar. Fear flashed through Carlos's eyes and he pulled away as far as he could from Logan.

"I am looking, Logan. I'm looking. I just see you!" he murmured. Kendall pried Logan off of him as the pale boy continued screaming.

"You're a liar. You're LYING, Carlos! All of you just don't get it! LOOK AT ME! END IT!" he shouted. Logan locked eyes with James, giving him a pleading look. "Please... James... Look at me... say you can't see me. Say I'm not here. You just have to look. Just look and see! You have to see and end it!" he begged, his voice comparable to the brokenness that resounded in it when he told them about his parents, "_Please_." James nodded.

"Loges... I _have_ been looking at you," he said slowly, and, if possible, for a second, Logan's face fell even further. "And you're right," he told him with unease rolling in his stomach, "You're missing your happy half, but what is it you want me to end?" Logan looked at him happily, a sick smile twisting on his face.

"Thank you, thank you! Make it fast," he said, a wild look in his eyes that made James want to run away as fast as he could, but something kept him rooted to his chair.

"Logan, end _what?_" he asked again, his tone demanding an answer. Logan nodded and wormed out of Kendall's grasp, holding his wrists out to James with a sadistic grin adorned on his face.

"End me." Kendall's face paled as James looked to him for help. As much as he hated to admit it, Kendall knew that James was closer to Logan right now and that he had about as much of a clue of what to say as James did. Logan, meanwhile, looked ecstatic about the turn in the conversation and was bouncing from foot to foot as he waited for James to follow through with what Logan thought he had promised. Now it was Kendall's turn to clear his throat, and he grabbed Logan's shoulders, turning him around and trying to ignore the crazed look in his eyes.

"What do you mean, Logan?" the blonde asked nervously, "What _is_ ending you?" The look Logan gave him was enough to answer the unspoken question. But just because Kendall now knew he wanted to commit suicide, it didn't mean he could wrap his head around it. "Wha- How- Did you just decide_ now_?" he questioned, knowing that this wasn't helping, but not sure what else to do with himself. He ignored the tears streaking down Carlos's face to focus on Logan, even though he knew it was probably a bad idea to let him sit there like that. Logan laughed.

"No. I decided when Mom died. Now just do it, I don't want to wait anymore" he said, turning around and holding his wrists once again to James. "Make sure you cut them deep, or I won't bleed out," he said, and James blanched, and he fell from his seat and onto his knees, nausea sweeping over him. Logan's eyebrows knitted together, and he felt something grip his hand. He turned to see Carlos looking at him with big, shinning eyes.

"Don't ever say that, Logan!" he said, gagging on the snot running down his face like a little kid. "You can't end it! Not when I'm here!" he told him, despair and desperation echoing throughout his voice. Logan frowned and shook him off, grabbing his chin, wet with tears, and making the Latino look him in the eyes. Anger flashed across his face.

"Just _look_! Everyone can see but you! Why can't you take it?" he yelled in the shorter boy's face.

"Because it's my fault!" he yelped, and, surprisingly, Logan floundered for a second. He let him go and backed away, sanity creeping over his features.

"What? No it's no-"

"Yes it _is_," Carlos cut him off, taking his turn as the center of attention. All three sets of eyes in the room were fixed on him as he looked down and played with the buttons on his shirt. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Kendall thanked God for his mom having taken Katie out shopping just moments before this whole scene went down. "I had _seen, _Logan. I had _seen_, and I didn't do anything... I knew why you didn't go swimming when everyone was asking. I knew why you changed in the bathroom when everyone was laughing at your "modesty". I _knew_, and I didn't say anything! I could have saved you! I could have saved you, and I could have saved your daddy, and then you wouldn't be sad!" Logan reeled away, grabbing his heart and at a loss for words.

"Carlos..." James whispered, and found his hand leeching onto the shorter boy's. "It's not your fault."

_"Yes, it IS!"_ Carlos repeated, feeling unheard. Tears fell in sheets down his face, and he began apologizing. "I'm so sorry, Logan! I should have... I could have... You could be _happy_! I want you happy, and you could have been if only I wasn't so stupid!" This, of course, had Logan snapped back into focus, and he grapped the Latino's other hand.

"Hey. We don't call ourselves stupid, remember? We worked on that!" Carlos quirked a smile, but it was quickly replaced with a frown.

"Are you kidding? Like that even matters now... Besides, you were hurting, Logan. I didn't do anything about it, and now I will _never _stop hating myself for it. I. Could. Have. _Saved_. You. But I blew my chance, and now you have to live with all," he gestured to the atmosphere of the room, "this. It's all my fault." Logan tried to talk, but Carlos's fingers tightening around his own stopped him. "Don't die, Logan," he said, voice cracking and hope filling his eyes. "You can't die cause if you do, then I'll be as big of a murderer as you are, and I couldn't live with that." Silent tears now flowed down Logan's cheeks and he bit his lower lip.

"Carlos, you wouldn't be a murder-" he stopped in his tracks, and his eyes widened.

Realization.

"But... I killed them," he mumbled to himself. "Dad said... Dad said... it's my fault, I..." he looked up at Carlos, the Latino unsure of what was going on. "He said I did... didn't I? Wasn't it me?" Kendall was the first to catch on, and he put a hand on the shorter boy's shoulder.

"No. It wasn't you, Logan," he answered, and Logan felt the ground slipping out from beneath him. He stumbled backwards into Kendall's awaiting arms. "It was never you." Logan's eyes glazed over with an expression that none of the boys could place.

"But... he said..." James was the next to catch on.

"He was lying, Logan. He was blaming you for something you didn't do, and now you're doing the same thing to yourself. You didn't kill your parents. Accidents happen, and you can't blame yourself for them. I hate watching you tear yourself up for something you didn't do." James told him, his hand running through Logan's hair. The paler boy looked up at him with confused brown doe eyes. He chewed on his bottom lip for a bit, his brain trying to process his thoughts. He looked up at James eventually, something sad and scared burning in his eyes.

"I didn't do it?" he asked. James shook his head.

"No." Logan looked to his toes and then met his eyes again.

"But he said I did," he explained and James just smiled thinly.

"You need to let that go." Logan frowned and trained his eyes on the closest leg of the table.

"I can't live like this any longer," he said quietly, and once again, James's fingers found their way through his hair.

"Well... you only have to hold on a little bit more," he assured him, something sparking in his hazel eyes. "We're halfway there."

**Kay. Weird end, but I lost desire to write this story, and I figured this would be a good note to end it on. NEXT STORY: (I plan to start writing this today) A James angst that's actually one from experience. So we'll see how that goes... **

**BTW, Logan's b-day is coming up. I'm hoping to post my 50th story that day, so we'll se how it happens. Thanks for reading, darlings!**


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